


Spilled Coffee

by JaziandCo



Series: Secrets Xtras [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Sad Magnus Bane, references to past suicide attempts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-12-30 13:50:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12110091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaziandCo/pseuds/JaziandCo
Summary: A minor inconvenience at best, one that would normally have resulted in a wave of his hand to clean up the mess and conjure another cup in most circumstances. The thing about lifelong depression was that it rarely issued reminders of its existance when it was convenient and rational to do so.





	Spilled Coffee

**Author's Note:**

> Hello I'm not dead I'm just very sick and also moving so very busy too.
> 
> Set sometime between 2.01 and 2.04, after the initial scramble to find Jace but before Clary's pleasure cruise on the SS Valentine and the reveal (to Magnus) that Dot is still alive. This is a companion to my Secrets collection of episodic trans!Alec Malec fics, but really this is about Magnus so it can be read without having read any of it. 
> 
> I got tired of Magnus hurt/comfort fics that focus on Alec and Alec's feelings in reaction to Magnus' trauma and fans collectively forgetting that Magnus has his own mental health to worry about.

Magnus should have known from the start that it would hit him all at once. The restless, sleepless night he’d had should have tipped him off that the stress and heartache would catch up to him sooner rather than later. Between the ups and downs of his relationship with Alexander, Dot’s and Ragor’s deaths, Camille’s reappearance in his life after several decades of radio silence, the stress of Raphael and Simon now both under his wing- not to mention the clients that had him portalling all over the world for complicated spells and difficult summonings,  _ and _ his position as High Warlock…

 

To be honest, he’d been burning the candle at both ends for quite some time now, and the only thing he should be surprised about was that it took it this long for the flame to burn out.

 

That would, presumably, be why he found himself sitting on the floor of his kitchen, head in his hands, sobbing so hard that he would dry heave every few breaths, all because he’d spilled his morning Starbucks on the counter. A minor inconvenience at best, one that would normally have resulted in a wave of his hand to clean up the mess and conjure another cup in most circumstances. The thing about lifelong depression was that it rarely issued reminders of its existance when it was convenient and rational to do so.

 

So, crying on his kitchen floor like a drunken teenager it was, then.

 

At some point, Magnus wasn’t sure how long it had been, the tears stopped. He managed to magic the mess away, though he couldn’t be bothered to have been specific on exactly  _ where _ he’d banished it. He’d heard his phone chirp intermittedly and had opted to ignore whoever wanted is attention until his Queen ringtone made him just turn it off. Whatever commitments he’d had that day could wait until tomorrow. Right now he was tempted to see if there was a spell to let him dissolve into the water if he ran his shower hot enough.

 

Eventually- maybe minutes, maybe hours later- he managed to pick himself up off the floor. It only took him a moment’s worth of thinking to decide the day was shot, and he would be spending the rest of it in bed, wallowing in the darkness threatening to overtake him. It was familiar, at least, this feeling of just being  _ done _ with the concept of living life. He paused at the front door for a moment, adding an additional layer to his wards to prevent all but those closest to him from entering while he was like this, then magicked his clothes into something more comfortable so he could curl up beneath his covers.

 

The sun would rise again tomorrow. Right now, he didn’t feel like thinking about that.

 

“Magnus,” a voice cut through the haze that surrounded him. He must have drifted off- and the fact that someone managed to not only get through his wards but also managed to get that close to him while he was sleeping was a testiment to just how tired he’d been the past several weeks. He opened one sleepy eye to see Alexander hovering over him, clearly at a loss for what to do. If he’d been in a better state of mind, he would have seen the boy’s eyes widen a fraction, would have understood the he’d let his glamour fall while he’d been crying, would likely have recoiled and put his glamour back up. Instead, he simply stared mutely at Alec, waiting for the inevidible favor the Shadowhunter would require.

 

Alec ran a hand down Magnus’ cheek, stopping to cup his palm against his face, something Magnus had not been expecting. “Did something happen? Was there another attack? Someone else got hurt?”

 

_ Oh _ . “No,” Magnus pushed himself to sit upright on the bed, “No, Alexander. Nothing happened. Everything’s fine.”

 

“Doesn’t look fine to me.” Damn. So that was as unconvincing as it sounded. “I don’t usually find you like this, if everything’s fine.” He must have seen Magnus puff up like an angry cat at the implication that his appearance was less than perfect, because he quickly finished with- “I mean, you weren’t answering any of my texts, and usually you’re trying to distract me from meetings with flirting, and then when I tried to call you it said your voicemail was full, and that never happens, so I came over to make sure everything was alright, but you didn’t answer the door and then you didn’t respond when I called out and then I found you here and th-”

 

The noise Magnus made was supposed to be a laugh (it wasn’t), and Alec almost didn’t look panicked as he cut his rambling off. And, well. Magnus had to admit he  _ did _ probably look like hell had broken loose overnight compared to the image of him Alec was used to- no makeup, puffy red eyes and dark bags underneath, completely deflated hair and goatee not plucked or shaped, in old sweats with his head under the covers in the middle of the day. Well, if they can’t handle him at his worst…

 

“Thank you, Alexander, for your concern. But as you can see, I’m fine. I’m sorry I missed your texts- I went back to bed after breakfast.”

 

“Was it Camille? Did she do something again?”

 

“Alexan-”

 

“Or is something with the Clave going on? Valentine killed someone else?”

 

“Al-”

 

“Because whatever it is, it’s not fine, and you’ve been there for me, so let me be there for you. Unless- if you want to be alone, I’ll just sit on the couch.”

 

Damn this boy, who saw past his walls and shields, who only offered his honest devotion in return. Magnus sighed, slouching a bit, and he felt Alec caress his cheek again. “Honestly? I’d rather not be alone.”

 

Alec nodded. “Do you want something to eat or drink?”

 

Magnus remembered his spilled coffee, the only sustenence he’d had that morning, and how most of it had ended up on the floor. “Yes, thank you.”

 

It was only after Alec left that he realized he hadn’t told the boy  _ what _ he wanted - though from the sounds drifting in from the kitchen, Alec was preparing to cook him a full course meal. He sighed again, deciding that perhaps a little self-care was in order, and made his way to the bathroom. He’d feel better after he’d washed up and brushed his teeth at least- maybe a little light color for his eyes to hide the ba-

 

Oh.

 

Lilith.

 

_ No _ .

 

Magnus had turned to the vanity, ready to pull out his supplies, when a pair of golden cat eyes stared back at him from the mirror. His glamour was down. Had been down since Alec woke him, possibly longer. He slammed it back up, blinking until warm brown and round pupils greeted him instead. He was sure Alec had read his file at that Institute- but it’s one thing  _ reading _ about a Mark and another thing  _ seeing _ it in the flesh. He wasn’t ready for this conversation. Not today, of all days, when he’d honestly thought all of his emotions had bled out during his crying fit until that stab of panic coursed through him at the sight of his own face.

 

He was in the middle of scrubbing at his eyes furiously with a washcloth- finding a bit of calming comfort in the act of taking care of his needs and trying to think of what he was going to say to Alec once he was done, when the Shadowhunter himself popped his head in the bathroom.

 

“Hey, food’s done. Did you want to eat in your room, or…?”

 

Magnus whirled to face him, taken by surprise yet again by how Alec had snuck up on him. Either he was  _ very _ distracted (entirely possible, given the circumstances), or Alec had a silence rune still running from a mission he must have been on. “I’ll- we can sit on the couch.”

 

“Alright, I’ll set things up there. Whenever you’re ready.”

 

And he left again. As if it was easy. As if the entire focal point of Magnus’ face hadn’t changed. Well then.

 

He knew he always fell too hard, too fast. He knew he always trusted early and was burned after. He knew he was intense, a lot to handle and a lot to get used to. But- he also knew that when things got bad like this, when the screaming in his brain grew too loud to drown with alcohol and sex, when he teetered on the edge of giving up again- it was always better, to talk to someone about it rather than let it stew. The last time he’d bottled up, Camille had had to drag him away from the bridge railing. The last time he’d opened up, he’d been drunk on Ragnor’s couch, swapping banter and being scolded by the old man who always called him a fool.

 

Now they’re both gone. Ragnor, by Valentine’s minions. Camille, uninvited from his life after decades of heartbreak.

 

It was times like this he missed Dot the most. Sitting on his balcony with her, drinking and dancing until they both were breathless, talking about nothing and everything at the same time. That flame had burned out long ago, but their love had simply turned platonic instead of bitter, and he’d trusted her with his heart on more than one occasion.

 

But Valentine took her, too.

 

The others he trusted and could call on- Cat and Tessa were both busy with the upcoming war, Raphael and others in the Downworld he’d taken in were wrapped up in their own problems, and the Downworld leaders he considered friends would simply use this weakness against him in times of trouble.

 

Magnus stood from where he’d been sitting- just a hint of eyeshadow, teeth brushed, hair somewhat cowwed into submission- and made his way to the living room where Alec sat fidgetting with his hands. The boy had made tea and some form of pastry. Not the most filling, but better than three sips of coffee from hours ago. Alec glanced at him as he sat down, taking one of Magnus’ hands into his own.

 

“I know we’re still… pretty new. And I don’t want to push you. If you don’t want to talk about it, whatever’s bothering you, you don’t have to. Just- you don’t have to deal with it alone,” the boy said quietly, then let go of his hand to pour Magnus a cup.

 

Magnus made a noncommittal noise as he accepted the offering. He took a sip- Alexander paid attention, clearly. Just how he always liked it, and his favorite tea too. The Shadowhunter sat silent beside him- he could feel Alec’s eyes staring at him, watching him to make sure he was okay physically if nothing else. How do you tell someone that no, you’re not okay but no, there’s not really anything anyone else can do to make it better either?

 

Perhaps, he supposed, he should start with Camille, and Dot, and Ragnor, and work from there. He wouldn’t, couldn’t, talk much about certain aspects of his past- his stepfather, his time in Paris and London, the way the Clave had received him during the first iteration of the Accords. But he could start with the things Alec was already piecing together, things that were more pressing matters.

 

After a pastry, or three, he finally took Alexander’s hand back into his own. Alec had flashed him an expectant look before schooling his expression back down to a careful neutral. Magnus had smiled at him then, pinching the tip of Alec’s nose and getting an unamused scowl in its place. He took a few breaths, knowing that starting would be the hardest part.

  
Then, holding onto his boyfriend’s hand as a tether back to the real world, he began to talk.

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
